Here is a collection of my thoughts while watching Charlize Theron in Atomic Blonde:
Holy CRAP, Charlize Theron looks amazing! How old is she now? Almost 42? Damn woman!
OK, so she plays Lorraine, who is an undercover MI6 agent during the Cold War. You know this because Regan is screaming for the wall to come down. Lorraine’s been in a bad fight but still looks gorgeous with her scrapes and bruises. She’s even sexy when she’s glowering. How does she do that? I look like a sea hag when I glower. Maybe I should practice in a mirror.
I’m already kind of confused but it doesn’t matter because they’re playing some classic David Bowie now, which I adore. I think this song was on the Cat People soundtrack, too.
Anyhow, Lorraine is in trouble for some reason and is being debriefed by her boss and John Goodman. They want her to find a guy named Spyglass with the help of James McAvoy, who is all buff and beefy now. He’s bald again, too. Why does James McAvoy only play bald dudes now? Wait, IS JAMES MCAVOY BALD? Nevermind, they’re playing Depeche Mode.
Now everyone’s taking a beating. I don’t know who these guys are but they’re getting POUNDED while some angry dude plays Nena’s “99 Red Balloons.”
This sends me back to my DJing days, when I hosted countless Time Warp Thursday dance parties. I played all of those songs, over and over again, until I was sick of them. In fact, if I played an ’80’s hit while a bunch of drunks Cabbage-Patched to it ANYTIME between 1992 and 2002, it is no longer a “Cool Retro Track.” That includes “Come on Eileen,” “Safety Dance,” and especially “99 Red Balloons.”
No, not even the German version.
So, now Sofia Boutella shows up as Delphine LeSalle and you can’t tell if she’s a good guy or a bad guy. Honestly, I have no idea who ANY of the bad guys are at this point. I’m pretty sure that Lorraine is a good guy but hell, who knows? Omigod, and they’re playing New Order!
HOLY CRAP! Now Lorraine and Delphine are totally hooking up! Oh man, I did NOT see that coming! Wait, did I say HOLY CRAP out loud? I’m pretty sure I did. Sorry!
Now Lorraine has Spyglass and I KNOW who the bad guy is but I’m still confused. It doesn’t matter because we launch into a bad-ass fight scene. Was this filmed in a single shot? Feels like I’m watching a John Wick movie. Probably because Atomic Blonde was directed by David Leitch, who co-directed John Wick. OK, I love this scene so much that I don’t really care that I’ve been confused and a little bored through the rest of the movie.
Now we’re back to Delphine. It’s crazy that Sofia Boutella played a killer double-amputee in Kingsman: The Secret Service and THE MUMMY in The Mummy, but Charlize makes her look like a baby-doll. I love Delphine but they’re playing Til Tuesday during her scene and I HATE “Voices Carry.”
Seriously? Out of all the great female-fronted acts from the 1980’s (Missing Persons, Berlin, and Siouxsie and the Banshees would top my list), you’re giving me Til freaking Tuesday? I’m suddenly kind of pissed again.
Atomic Blonde ends once before REALLY ending, and I’m STILL a little confused. I never completely disliked the movie despite this, but it failed to make me care about the characters or even the outcome. I also realize now that, though they were probably setting Charlize Theron up with a franchise, I wouldn’t care to see an Atomic Blonde Part 2. I would, however, gladly help with the soundtrack. C-