There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who have never called 911 and those who can dial it with one thumb, without looking, in the dark and while driving in high-speed-reverse.

I am the latter.

I call 911 so much that I imagine the operator leans back in her chair and yells out, “IT’S THAT CRAZY BITCH IN EAST DALLAS AGAIN.”

I’ve called for serious incidents of course, like the time a woman was mugged right in front of me or the time a man in a ski-mask was running down our street with a sack over his shoulder. (He looked like a scary Santa!)  Or the MULTIPLE times I saw an elderly man standing near our daughters’ preschool with his penis hanging out of his pants. I HATED that guy and he got away every time. How is that possible? I mean, he shuffled around like a drunk penguin!

There was another time though, when a cop actually laughed at me.

It was 4am and I was driving to work when I saw a man in our alley. I didn’t notice him until I was already on the street but there he was, sitting on his bike at the foot of our driveway. It was dark so I couldn’t see his face, but I knew he was looking right at me. We both sat there, completely still, trying to figure out what the next move was.

My next move obviously, was to freak-the-f*** out. Then I called 911 and hysterically told them about the man in my driveway. They tried to get a desciption but it was too dark to tell them much of anything. He probably didn’t have a face anyhow since he was most likely a minion from Hell sent to destroy me and my family. I called my husband in a panic but he did not share my sense of urgency. He calmly asked if I had locked the doors and turned on the alarm. Then he went back to sleep.

I was driving loops around my neighborhood, afraid to leave but even more afraid to go back, when the police returned my call.

“Ma’am, we found your perpetrator,” he said, in what I imagine is his most serious-cop-voice.

Then he started laughing.

“It’s just a little old man! He said he’s sorry and that he didn’t mean to scare you. Just taking a morning ride when you came across each other. That’s all!”

I’ve seen this guy riding his bike through the neighborhood several times before. He always smiles and waves and I imagine that everyone who encounters him thinks, “I hope I’m like THAT when I’m old!”

And I tried to have him arrested.

I apologized, drove on to work and felt like a complete dick for the rest of the day.

I’ve thought about it several times as the years have passed though and wondered, what exactly WAS he doing there?

I know he liked to ride his bike but why was he in the alley, PARKED by my driveway at 4 o’clock in the morning? Sure he’s an old man but would it have been viewed the same if he was 30 years younger? Also, when EXACTLY does a pervert stop being a pervert or a Peeping Tom get old enough to become a cute-old-man?

More importantly, do you think it’s too late for me to call 911 on him again?