I posted what had to be the NASTIEST blog I’ve ever put on this website last week and it was written almost entirely by other people. I belong to a secret Facebook Group that has been sharing their “Secret Shames,” so I wrote a blog based on them. Far more people read that post than ANYTHING ELSE I’VE EVER WRITTEN! So, I guess you people are sick in the head…just like me.
Here’s Round 2 but remember, they are foul. Like really really FOUL. There are countless swear words and yes, even more poop-talk. I also feel the need to apologize to Little People because…well, you’ll see why after reading it. Enjoy!
-For ages, I had a habit of tossing my used tampons into an open trash can (I wrapped them in toilet paper first, of course. I’m not THAT gross, ffs). This is an incredibly stupid thing to do if you have dogs that can smell worth a damn. One day, many years ago, Sassy and Spike (names have been changed to protect the dogs) dug one out and shredded it on the living room carpet. I should have learned to put my tampons somewhere else after that but nope. The very next day, Spike was not feeling so good. He puked a few times and was really lethargic. I took him to the vet and yep, Spike had an upper intestinal blockage (re: eaten tampon) that required surgery. I felt like the biggest a**hole in the world. $1500 later Spike was as good as new, but the vet told me about another little dog who gulped down fifteen used tampons at once. Where would he get FIFTEEN used tampons at once??
-I clean my bathroom with my husband’s dirty underwear. I also buy sugar free gummy bears because I find joy in observing explosive diarrhea when it hits the uninformed. (None of us knew that sugar free gummy bears GAVE people explosive diarrhea, so she included this link as proof: “Sugarless Haribo Gummy Bear Reviews Tell Tales of Toilet Terror”
-I am in love with my nose-hair trimmers. I use them at least once a week but I also hide them from my husband. I secretly worry about falling into a coma and having no one to trim my nose-hairs for me. It will look like baby spiders are crawling out of my nose.
-Back at the car dealership. Back surfing porn. That is all.
-My husband took me to dinner one night when I was pregnant. When we got our food, I noticed that I had a very small amount of Mac n Cheese (Maybe they were telling me to lay off the starch). There was a man eating alone next to us and I noticed that when HIS food came, he had MORE MAC N CHEESE THAN ME! I was about to complain to the waitress when I saw him leave his table. While he was gone, I switched our bowls of Mac and Cheese. My husband wanted to DIE!! The waitress came back later and asked if everything was alright. I said “It is NOW!”
-I sent my daughter to school today convinced that she “was born with a tail.” She wrote it down for Interesting Fact Day. Probably should have used better judgement.
-I have a phobia of Little People, to the point that if one sits behind me on an airplane, I will get off. But I see them all the time. My wife and I were looking for furniture one day and could not find a salesmen anywhere. All of a sudden, a Little Person popped out from behind the desk and scared the sh*t out of me. My wife had to apologize while I ran screaming from the store. I was chased out of a casino by one dressed as a leprechaun in Las Vegas. I almost crushed a Japanese tourist trying to get out. I also drove off without collecting my food (even after paying for it) at Wendy’s because of the Little Person at the window. He literally put a step stool up to the window and crawled up to hand my food to me. Another time, while walking down the Vegas strip, a Little Person Prostitute propositioned me with the promise of how big my d**k would look in her hands. This sent me screaming into Caesar’s Palace.
And finally, I hate to end with another Poop Story but this one is too good to pass up. Plus, she was mildly offended about it being excluded last week.
– Third year of law school. I had stupidly put myself on a diet that restricted my fat intake to no more than 10 grams each day. Side note: That seriously f*cks up your body, people. Anyway, a group of friends had a Christmas party followed by a chauffeured drive to see the Christmas lights. A few minutes into the ride, I am overcome with crippling intestinal cramps caused by ingesting normal food for the first time in a year. Then the gas starts. I decide to let it sneak out into the leather, keeping my legs tightly pressed together so that the toxic fumes would be forced into the car seat. That worked fine until we hit a bump and oh holy hell! People were sticking their heads out of the sunroof and windows to find fresh air. It became clear who the culprit was when I screamed and begged the driver to pull over. I ran into the front yard of some house and unloaded by the front door…without toilet paper. Needless to say, I was rather humbled by the event.