BLOG: Tales From My Secret Facebook Page-Part II

I wrote a blog recently, which was essentially The Greatest Hits from the secret Facebook group I belong to. If you missed it the first time, you can find it by clicking HERE. Everyone seemed to like the blog, but it’s BIGGEST fans were definitely members of the group itself. Here are a few of their thoughts:

On the Topic of US:
– I am so embarrassed to be part of this group.
– It’s like digital scrapbooking for dirty, dirty girls.
– My husband suggested we create a sitting area in our bedroom. So I said, “for donkey sex?” of course. He said “you really have to stop being in that group.” I presume because he believes you b*tches are a bad influence. So…I guess that means no to donkey sex?
– This group is the best therapy ever.
– This blog was read 245 times yesterday. That’s an awful lot for my little website. Someone already mentioned “the next blog” too, so keep up the bullsh*t people. I’ll need more from you.

Fortunately, they did.

On the Topic of In-Laws:
– Well, I think the last episode of my mother-in-law arriving 45 minutes earlier than expected (as she almost always does) cured her of the habit. I think ME standing in the doorway in my robe exclaiming, “your son and I are having sex right now. Can you come back at the time I said to be here” solved the problem.
– Cock blocker.
– She couldn’t get her key to work so she was ringing the doorbell, which meant the dog was going f**king nuts. First doorbell ring, my husband says “she’ll go away”. I got up at the fifth doorbell ring. And I may have been wiping saliva from my mouth when I opened the door.
– Her new code name is “ding dong”.
– Why does she have a key? Is this something people do? Also, I told my mother in law that I knew “where to turn, I know the area”. She said “really?” I said “yeah. I used to have casual sex with a guy in that house”. She was horrified. I love her but she is such a prude.

On the Topic of THIS Painting:
– I have new vagina art…. Doo-Dah…Doo-Dah….
– I love it!
– I once said that mussels look like little vaginas and my friends just STARED at me. They even have little cl*ts! (Doo-dah, doo-dah)
– Sung by Foghorn Leghorn.
Sexual Seafood would be a great name for an all girl band.
– I’ve been humming the Vagina Art song all morning. Just dropped the kids off at school and one of them said, “Doo Dah, Doo Dah”

On the Topic of Prayer Requests:
– Someone on my FB just asked for prayers for her baby…because he’s TEETHING. Whose God covers this? Isn’t there a threshold?
– I’ll pray for that poor kid. His mother is going to helicopter that poor little motherf**ker out of play dates, real dates, possibly colleges and most likely a country club or two.
– This seems like a tricky prayer. What if we pray for relief from teething and all his teeth disappear??? Yes, I am still emotionally scarred from reading The Monkey’s Paw in 6th grade.

On the Topic of THIS MAN Who Stopped Taking Showers:
– Nope nope nope nope nope. Unless I hate you. In which case, yep yep yep.
– By day 3 I’d hate myself. Not reading this.
– I bet his a** makes a swampy garbage dump of dead stuff smell delicious.
– And can you imagine how his balls must taste? Maybe we finally have the antidote to Miley’s stupid tongue.
– I bet his wife/partner is also a dirty freak (not the good kind) and has a vagina that makes his a** look like a field of flowers that fairies pee on.
– Wow, that was like poetry.

On the Topic of The Stupid Sh*t People Say:
– During dinner (chef salad that I lovingly made from scratch), my son asked, “Mom, how come you eat so healthy all the time but you’re not skinny and pretty like a supermodel? I mean, you’re pretty, but how are supermodels so skinny? Do they not eat?”
– I feel like people always say sh*t like that to me. Random strangers. A woman asked me if I was my daughters’ GRANDMOTHER once. A man thought my husband was my son. I was 30 then!
– Some days I look old as the hills. Some days I look fabulous. At least being 40-something, I give far fewer f**ks what others think.
– I hear ya. Being closer to 50 than 40 now, I wish my skin would quit being so f**king confused. Wrinkles AND zits?? Nope nope nope. I did NOT sign up for that sh*t.
– I have a small zit in a wrinkle. Just roll me in flour and look for the godd*mn wet spot. I am officially giving up.

And finally…

On the Topic of This Meme
– A friend just posted this meme. Something about it sticks in my craw. This is precisely how women don’t support other women. Additionally, it perpetuates the notion that women are waiting around to be plucked by the right man. F**k that sh*t.
– Yep. Slut shaming. Pitting women against women in some biological warfare to get plucked.
– Strikes me as a visual aid at a purity ball.
– Yes, having to sit all shiny and pretty at the top of the tree waiting for a boy to climb up and chose me? F**k that. And if I have sex I’m “rotten?”
– Plus, in this story are the men eating rotten fruit? I’m confused. Also craving apple pie so thanks for that.
– Things like this make my unfriend-finger go crazy
– We were at a swim meet today and there was a swimmer that was heavier than the other kids in the lane. Some a**hat woman in front of me was making fun of her. I unleashed a torrent of acidic words upon her that left her slack jawed. Wtf is wrong with people?
– Good for you.
– This whole thread is so awesome. Makes me want to get in a gang fight with all of you. If we were in the same gang of course.
– Gang fight it is. I want a cool gang name.
– Well I just ran over a sweet little bunny and have been pulled over crying on the side of the road for the past few minutes. So clearly we are going to have someone else in the gang do the wet work.
– OH NO! I’m so sorry! I’m pretty sure that was the last bunny in the whole world and for the record, I heard he was an a**hole.
– I love little bunnies. Maybe a gang of fighting isn’t our thing. Let’s have a sassy gang that says stuff instead.
– I was beaten up in the parking lot before “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” in high school. Everyone stood around and watched. That said, I totally cussed out an angry old fisherman at the lake recently. My mouth is faster than my fists.
– I am picturing us as PBS in the fight scene in Anchorman.
– Yes, and we all have good hair. So we’ll be a good-hair gang of low-hanging rotten apples who says stuff with sass.
That works for me, so stay tuned for Tales From My Secret Facebook Group-Part 3, featuring The Low Hanging Rotten Apples. Coming to a street fight near you.

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