BLOG: Tales from My SECRET Facebook Page

I belong to a secret Facebook group. I’ve talked about these people before (see My Secret Shame Part 1 and Part 2) and love them all dearly, even though I’ve only met one of them in person. They allowed me into their faction because I possess a similarly filthy mind and will openly discuss matters that should really only be shared with a therapist, if even then. These secret online conversations get especially raucous on Friday nights, when we are all exhausted from a full week of working/parenting/faking it and break into the alcohol. Feeds fill up with pictures of cocktails and dicussions about people we’d like to murder, have sex with or both. One woman snaps secret photos of her father-in-law’s feet and posts them, so we can all discuss exactly what the hell is going on there.

Is he turning into a werewolf? Or maybe a centaur?
Is he turning into a werewolf? Or maybe a centaur?

Someone posted this comment yesterday:
– Do we really need FB ?! We should start our own network. Seriously?!

I think all friends who laugh together have this thought, but she might actually be right this time. I’d just been thinking that we should start our own satellite radio show where someone did dramatic readings of our posts. Maybe Dennis Haysbert, the Allstate voice guy? Imagine HIM reading the posts below. Yes, I think I’d listen to that.


On the Topic of Work
-F**king dog hairs trapped in my bra make my tits itch. At work. In meetings. With important people.
-There’s nothing like a balls-out titty-scratch to bring focus to a meeting.
-When I was little I thought that meant they were growing.
-When you step into the “Ladies Room” for one of your sh*t breaks, put foot powder all over them.
-Do no, I repeat DO NOT put foot powder on them. You will swear they are on fire which will make it very difficult to concentrate on your meeting.
-I dare you.
-Great. Have a 6 hour meeting at our corporate HQ and I have the sh*ts. BAD.
-Geez, itchy tits and Hersey squirts? What’s #3?

On the Topic of Questionable Child Artwork
– I have a one legged friend who’s a court appointed sex therapist for rapists and child molesters. She likes to post her 9 year old son’s drawings on Facebook, which she is convinced are all different artistic interpretations of penises.

– Oh sh*t. That reminds me……I found these scribblings in one of my kids’ notebooks when I was clearing out all their sh*t from last year. What comes to mind when looking at this?

On the Topic of BACK TO SCHOOL:
– May I just scream at the top of my lungs—-“F**K”- I f**king hate fucking back to school – f**k.
– Tried to load kids in the car for the 39 minute drive to school. The dog sneaks out the gate right behind me. The next five minutes are spent with me chasing him around the front yard yelling “f**king bastard” at the top of my lungs.
– Wish I lived in CO or Oregon where they hand out herbs w the teacher syllabus.
– This is why we need to take up day drinking.

On the Topic of Miley Cyrus
-Yay or Nay on Miley Cyrus? I missed the VMA’s so I just saw her get-up.
-Giant nay.
-She’s just not an authentic f**ck up. I love an authentic f**k up. I watch Intervention. It makes me feel better about myself.
-OMG Intervention. The one where the lady is cradling the bottle of Listerine in her arms and occasionally taking swigs. OMG. That show could make old-school Robert Downey Jr. feel good about himself.
-Sometimes I like her and sometimes notsomuch. I didn’t like her “duet” with Robin Thicke and I don’t really get all that tongue wagging (Gene Simmons gets full credit for that. He is the Master and no one else touches him so don’t even try). And you nailed it–she is a faux f**k up.
-Totally faux. And that damn tongue just gets me annoyed.
-I want to grab it and make her taste my hand. You know that gross hand flavor? Maybe a good dose of hand flavor would keep that disgusting thing in her mouth.
-Instead of your hand, it should be your father-in-law’s foot.

On the Topic of Peter Dinklage
-Seriously, I would. I would totally sleep with that man.
-We could tag team him.
-I’d watch.
-I’d sleep with him too! I’d wrap him in some ultra-soft cotton and use him as a pillow.

– I have a game for y’all. It’s called: ‘Why Does My Bed Look Like This Right Now?
– Fun! Needed to hide the body?
– Where is my contact lense?
– Misplaced the Goddamned gerbil?
– Who invited the bed-wetter?
– You win! And check out the cute Soul Glo stain on my silk headboard.
– Here’s the story. My husband hugged the dog a little too tight this morning. As soon as he released him, he came over to snuggle next to me. As the dog was hovering over me, out came some watery puke onto my shoulder, pillows, and partly on the sheets. Some of it ‘splashed’ onto my face. F**king OUTSTANDING way to get me out of bed in a hurry.

On the Topic of TIG NOTARO:
– I have some odd lesbian crush on Tig Notaro.
– Oh….I love me some Tig Nataro.
– Did you see the special she did topless? Every time I turn on the tv its on. She’s pretty wonderful.
– She has that 12 year old boy thing going. Not that I’m hot for 12 year olds boys. F**k. I’m just making this worse.

On the Topic of Arts and Crafts (specifically a video narrated by a woman with a very annoying voice)
– Watching this video makes me angry.
– I was comforted because the fairy lights she used look cheap and will hopefully burn her house to the ground.
– I want to throat punch this woman.
– We can cross stitch dirty words. IMG_3711-2
– I’ve never been so moved to take up the art of cross stitch.
– …but this one makes no sense! IMG_3792

And finally On the Topic of MAN BUN GUY
– I need to excuse myself.
– Quiver. And I just released one of my four remaining eggs.
– Like beards, man buns rule. On the right guy.
– This. is. the. right. guy.
– It’s so impressive that he can do this both when he’s dressed for his lifeguarding job and his lumberjacking job. Bless his ever loving heart.
– All that and 2 jobs. Man o man.
– Just commenting so this keeps bumping to the top of my feed.
– F*****ck, I just watched the whole thing and really didn’t mean to.
– While holding the phone with one hand?
– No…she was using a selfie-stick.
– Is that what they’re calling them now?
– Actually, I was holding it with my toes.
– We might need video confirmation.

You should be warned that this same group of people are heading to New York City in a few weeks, as sort of a reunion. I will not be joining them because, as I’ve stated before, I don’t actually KNOW any of them. They all went to high school and college together. I’m just some stranger that they allow to creep around and watch from the corners. I will keep an eye on the Facebook page while there gone though, and make notes of their shenanigans. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even post some of my favorites, IF they will let me.

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