People were shocked when the Duchess of Cambridge emerged from the hospital this weekend, just hours after giving birth to the new princess.
“How does she look so FRESH? So BEAUTIFUL,” they asked. “Didn’t the baby she’s cradling just come bursting from her nether region like an angry alien? Shouldn’t she be lying in a heap and apologizing to Prince William for all the horrible, mid-labor names she called him? WHY DOES SHE LOOK SO GOOD?”
Well, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.
Having a baby isn’t awful for everyone.
It isn’t EASY of course, but for me it was nothing like the videos they made us watch in child-birthing class. Those things were AWFUL. They always involved some half-naked woman groaning in a bathtub or awkwardly bouncing on an exercise ball. They also rarely involved an epidural.
My older sister has been a Labor & Delivery Nurse forever so when I was pregnant, I got my advice from her. She had also given birth twice but for some reason, I didn’t believe her when she said, “Honestly Julie, having a baby wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.”
I thought she was just trying to keep me calm but I had a complication-free, 8-hour-long labor. I look back at the photos we took that day and DON’T see a sweaty woman who’d been laboring for hours. I see a happy New Mother. I didn’t look DUCHESS GOOD mind you, but I was doing alright.
I was so pleased with that 8-hour delivery that I prayed for a similar one when my second baby came. Lucy however, came screaming out after a mere 2 hours of labor. It was as if God himself had whispered to her, “They have donuts out there…and MINECRAFT.”
I asked my doctor as he left the delivery room that day, “Are we DONE?”
He said, “Believe it or not Julie, we are DONE.”
I felt like I had dodged a bullet. A lifetime of delivery-room-dread washed away from me like…well, I was going to reference what was on the delivery room floor but no. That’s just gross.
It isn’t like that for ALL moms, unfortunately. Some people will read this and be furious at my luck. I have a friend who watched his wife scream through a day and a half of labor. He whispered to me afterwards, “Everything’s blown out down there, Julie. Just blown OUT.”
My sister’s ex-husband also said that watching the birth of a baby was like watching someone make sausage. See why he’s an EX-husband?
But that’s not always the case. Moms-to-Be should know that sometimes giving birth is hard but bearable and if you’re lucky, you’ll come out of it relieved and looking like a Duchess. And if you don’t, swear your husband to secrecy because no one’s lady bits should EVER be compared to sausage.