Can I Stop Lying to My Kids Now? (The Tooth-Fairy is Bleeding Me DRY)

How much money did you get from the Tooth Fairy when you were a kid?

I got the occasional $5 bill, but my favorites were the awesome silver dollars that showed up under my pillow. I even recall a $2 bill that turned up once. It looked exactly like the Lucky $2 Bill my Mom always carried around and, oddly enough, it disappeared not long after the Tooth Fairy left it to me.

Ask my kids how much the Tooth Fairy gives them and they’ll proudly tell you, “Usually $10.”

People like to roll their eyes at this fact. They make comments about inflation and how when they were kids, the Tooth Fairy didn’t carry large bills. Yeah, lots of shitty comments have been made about our Tooth Fairy, which is why I want to remind everyone that SHE ISN’T REAL.

You remember that part, right? You probably found out from the same little asshole who gleefully filled you in about Santa and the Easter Bunny.

Mom and Dad are the Tooth Fairy, which is why she usually delivers whatever Mom and Dad have in their wallets. Unfortunately, we weren’t in the habit of carrying around silver dollars, or even singles for that matter, when our kids started dropping teeth. In fact, we were completely dry the night our oldest daughter lost her first tooth. Her Grandfather was visiting though, and insisted on pitching in a 20-dollar bill. We resisted at first but my Dad, who doesn’t like to be told NO said, “Just give her the goddamned money.”

So we did, which started our $20 for the First Tooth tradition.

Well, it was supposed to be for the first tooth but teeth kept coming out late at night, when we had no small bills laying around. Would you drive to 7-11 just to break $10 or $20? Was it really worth it, just to make sure your kid wasn’t spoiled by the Tooth Fairy?

I didn’t think so, until last night.

Our youngest came in around 10pm and asked her Dad to pull her tooth. She’d been laying in bed, fiddling with it all night, and it was finally ready for that last big tug. Her father obliged and BOOM, now we needed money.

Lo and behold, my husband had small bills.

Two crisp singles were sitting in his wallet and it was the only money we had in the whole house. I smiled to myself as I slipped them into her room, thinking “Take that Tooth Fairy haters.”

Well, Lucy didn’t take her pay decrease lightly.

First, she looked under her bed for the rest of the money that MUST have fallen there. Then, she accused her sister of sneaking into her room and STEALING some of it. I tried to calm Lucy down by reminding her that the Tooth Fairy gives what she can spare, which isn’t always 10 to 20 dollars.

“Maybe more kids than usual lost teeth yesterday, so she had to give out more money. Maybe that was simply the best she could do.”

It fell on deaf ears though and now Lucy thinks the Tooth Fairy is giving $10 bills to everyone but her.

Who started this whole Tooth Fairy business to begin with? Wouldn’t our kids be JUST AS HAPPY getting cash for lost teeth? I’ll never understand why they’re scared of the Boogie Man, but perfectly fine with a winged-beast slipping into their room at night. Well, as long as she leaves money.

What exactly are we supposed to DO with these teeth, anyway? At this very moment, there’s a tiny tooth rolling around with my toothbrush and toothpaste because I don’t know what else to do with it. Yes, they are precious reminders of my daughters’ childhood, but they’re also disgusting. Are we supposed to keep them until our kids are older, then start hiding them under their pillows again? Just to freak them out? It’s not any worse than the woman who makes dolls out of them. Yes, these dolls are a thing and maybe they will kill the Tooth Fairy once and for all.

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