Fifty Shades of Grey (And a Surprising Amount of Hair)

How you feel about the film version of “Fifty Shades of Grey” will all depend on how you felt about the books.

If you read and enjoyed them, you’ll be happy to know that the movie is actually BETTER. That’s not saying much though. I think I could have written those books after a few wine-coolers with my girlfriends back in high school. The story is ridiculous but in the hands of talented Hollywood screenwriters it becomes polished, a little humorous and the dialogue becomes slightly less hokey (but just slightly).

Voracious “Fifty Shades” readers will enjoy seeing the characters fleshed out on screen but our FAVORITE parts of the books (duh, the sex scenes) have been totally dumbed down. It’s disappointing but book-fans have the benefit of KNOWING what’s happening, even if it’s only implied onscreen. Those who have NOT read the books will be rolling their eyes and wondering when the smut is going to start.

Let me be clear here. There ARE sex scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey, they just aren’t very sexy. It’s rated R so this can’t be Debbie Does Dallas or even Nine and a Half Weeks for that matter. It’s a very clean version of dirty sex, so don’t expect to see anyones “O” face.

There’s been nonstop chatter lately about the stars of Fifty Shades of Grey and their lack of chemistry. Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson do NOT have great onscreen chemistry but that also works with their characters. Anastia Steele and Christian Grey (have there ever BEEN more pretentious character names?) are awkward and unnatural with each other so the weirdness makes sense. Dakota Johnson especially does a nice job of bringing her character to life. I actually hated the onscreen version of Anastasia far less than the book version. I also have to give her props for those NATURAL BREASTS! RIGHT ON DAKOTA!

Speaking of natural, I was surprised by the amount of hair I saw growing on Christian AND Anatasia. 50 Shades might be a modern picture but the grooming habits appear to be from the 1970’s.

Jamie Dornan is able to deliver those ridiculous Christian Grey lines (yes, they left in “Laters Baby”) but one of his eyeballs is dramatically bigger than the other. He is gorgeous and his body is unreal but I couldn’t stop staring at that one big EYEBALL. Sorry Jamie.

This movie could be summed up by the women I sat with last night. Sybil sat to my left and enjoyed the film because she has read ALL the books. Rebekah, who hasn’t read the books, sat to my right and suffered through every minute of it. That’s why I’m going to meet in the middle and give Fifty Shades of Grey a C. This movie was better than I expected it to be, but I certainly wasn’t expecting much.


  1. I’m with you Julie. I read the first book because of all the hubbub. OMG! It annoyed me to no end with all the cheesy lines, the lip biting and the writers super redundant vocabulary! Will not bother going to see this movie… unless I’m bored and it’s on Netflix streaming, then maybe. 🙂

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