MOVIE REVIEW: “Fifty Shades Freed” (Thank GOD, the End is NIGH!)

A friend asked me, just yesterday, “UGGGGH, are they really still making those Fifty Shades of Grey movies?”
Yes, and UGH indeed.
See, I’ve never been been a fan of these damn things. I didn’t even finish the first book because I thought it was boring and that the sex-scenes were just slightly more titillating than men’s underwear mannequins at Macy’s. The films are a bit more fun because we have the dewy, sweet-faced Dakota Johnson as our Anastasia, but we also have the cut-directly-from-cardboard Jamie Dornan, as our Christian Grey. Sure, he has a beautiful body but the lack of charisma is daunting.
The vapid Fifty Shades story-line might have been saved if these two were ever capable of generating any real heat. No one remembers exactly what Nine and a Half Weeks was about, but certain scenes will live forever just because they were so HOT (Yes, please leave your hat on!). Dornan and Johnson’s love-scenes however, seem to cause a sex-vacuum, and often feel like you’re watching two strangers, who don’t even like each other, try to get it on. Now that I think about it, that’s exactly what we’re watching. Sure, there are stories and satellite characters and actual arcs built into this tome, but does any of it matter if the sex isn’t sexy?
These are the questions I’ve asked myself repeatedly while sitting through each of these movies. That’s one of the only downfalls of being a Film Critic (aside from all that money you aren’t making): Sometimes you have to see movies that you DON’T want to see.
Which brings me to the main point of my Fifty Shades Freed review.
I feel pretty certain that those of you who WANT to see this movie WILL see it, regardless of what I say. I sat through all 105 (thankfully brief) minutes though, so you’re getting my review anyhow.

Did I like it?
I actually didn’t hate this one. It’s even my favorite Fifty Shades movie so far, which is kind of like saying, “This is my favorite stubbed toe.”

Is it sexy?
A little. In fact, a car-sex-scene in Fifty Shades Freed made me giggle uncomfortably, which makes it vastly sexier than it’s predecessors.

Did I enjoy the story-line?
Believe it or not, yes. Well, sort of. See, this Fifty Shades is a bit of a Thriller, so there are car chases and shots fired. It gives you more to watch than just missionary sex, which is nice.

Will people who haven’t read the books or seen the other movies enjoy it?
I guess but seriously, why start now? Why are you going this to yourself?

Would I recommend it to anyone?
Yes, but only to people who loved the books or the other movies. The same people who are going to see it anyway so AGAIN, my opinion doesn’t really matter.

The greatest thing about Fifty Shades Freed is that it’s the final movie from the final book in the series, so we’re officially DONE with Christian and Anastasia forever. Unless, of course, E.L James decides to write another book about…maybe their divorce? Or when the Red Room gets turned into a nursery? Or how Christian Grey handles changing his first, truly dirty diaper? (Sigh.)
I bet E.L. James has it half-written already. (C)


  1. I can neither confirm nor deny that I have watched the first two films (with my wife), nor can I confirm nor deny that I will watch “Freed” when it convenes mes out on Blu Ray. Because if we did watch them, and I am not necessarily saying that we did, my wife would not have wanted to go to the theater and see them there.

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