Bernadette
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“Where’d You Go, Bernadette” – Fans of the BOOK Review the MOVIE

Have you ever wondered how film critics get to see movies before everyone else? Well, early screenings are usually held to promote the film’s release, but sometimes those screenings occur on the same damn night. That’s what happened this week with Where’d You Go, Bernadette? and Good Boys, so I had to chose one. I desperately needed a Comedy and picked the latter while some girlfriends offered to cover Bernadette for me. I’m tempted to NOT share their review though, because it’s far funnier than anything I’ve ever written. Well, read it anyhow and remember that I do have my funny moments (they’re just few and far between).
“A Dumb Person and a Smart Person See a Movie Together”
-By Kristin (Dumb) and Meggan (Smart)
Two ladies of a certain demographic (avid readers of a middlish age with movie tickets and a hall pass from the hubs and kids) walk into a theater. One has a bunch of exclamation points to say afterwards, the other has coherent thoughts.
Dumb: “Billy Crudup is so smooth and beautiful. I’m still mad at him for leaving Mary Louise Parker for Claire Danes when MLP was carrying his child, but I’d forget all of that for one really hot makeout session with his beautiful devil face.”
Smart: “Billy Crudup is awesome, and the perfect actor to play a guy who wallpapers over his wife’s obvious mental illness with money and benevolent negligence. ‘What problems? I’m rich and I live in Seattle and nothing bad happens here except rain and blackberries and PTA gnats.’” (Seriously the blackberry brambles are a whole thing we both forgot can symbolize crushing, suffocating anxiety.)
Dumb: “I read this book over 6 years ago, and it seemed mostly true to the book. I don’t remember everything ending…like that…but I’m still mentally rubbing my cheek on Billy Crudup’s porcelain face so don’t bother me, unless it is to show me the well-adjusted and perfectly unscathed teenaged movie child we made by rubbing our cheeks together.”
Smart: “They started to address mental illness head-on, and I was buying it. What were eccentricities in the book were clear manic episodes in the movie, and they missed opportunities to help people by glossing over them. And the child’s mental health should be addressed as well. When mothers disappear, it is terrifying and confusing to their children.”
Dumb: “Was it me or was it more cringey in the movie when Cate Blanchett dictated the Manjoula letters than it was when we read the book? In the book it seemed totes normal and drove the story. In the movie I wanted to yell ‘JUST PATCH YOUR ROOF AND PAINT YOUR WALLS AND STOP TALKING SO MUCH.’ But I still liked this movie. And Cate. Because she is mesmerizing and exotically gorgeous.”
Smart: “We enjoyed the movie. Would we have enjoyed it without the context of the book? It’s impossible to know.”
Dumb: “Why all the distracting turtlenecks? THEY ARE A WHOLE SEPARATE CHARACTER. The one I wish Kristen Wiig could have been if she’d had more time. She did what she could.”
Smart: “No one will understand that unless they see it. If only they would have won free tickets through juliesaysso.com.”

So…it sounds like they enjoyed Where’d You Go, Bernadette? but only because they read the book (you can find more reviews on Rotten Tomatoes), and the turtlenecks were apparently distracting. If you have further questions for Dumb and Smart, feel free to leave them in the “Comments” below to be addressed. And they ARE right about getting those Free Movie Passes, which you can do HERE!

1 Comment

  1. I have neither read the book nor seen the movie. Nor have I actually read this review, which I’m sure is brilliant, because my brain sort of went “word…word…wordy-word-word..BILLY CRUDUP…wordy-word, word….” So the movie has Billy Crudup in it, and I’m totally going to see this film when it gets to the dollar theater alongside the Pakistani films.

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