Isn’t it weird that this Valentine’s Day, a bunch of Comedies are opening instead of Romances? Well, there’s that Nicholas Sparks flick The Choice, but everyone heard how awful it was and scratched it off their lists. Now, all the Film Critics are telling people to see Deadpool (and you should), but Zoolander 2 and How to Be Single are opening this weekend as well. Are they worth it? Should you skip a naked Ryan Reynolds and try one of those instead?
Well, how you feel about Zoolander 2 will all depend on how you felt about Zoolander 1. If you hee-hawed all the way through and still quote lines from it, then YES you will like it. You probably don’t remember the long stretches of not-funny in between the funny though, or the gaping plot holes. You also might have forgotten that you didn’t love Zoolander the first time you saw it, and that it took 2 or 3 cable viewings to get hooked. Prepare yourself, because the stretches of not-funny in Zoolander 2 are even longer and the plot holes are now yawning chasms. The funny parts are hilarious though, and it might be worth the ticket price just to see the celebrity cameos.
I gave Zoolander 2 a C+, but I did have two Jell-O shots before it even started. It might be more like a C- totally sober, but an A+ when you watch it on HBO with a bottle of wine 6 months from now.
How to Be Single is supposed to be the Valentine’s Day option for single folks. It’s really just a reminder that being single sucks.
Alice (Dakota Johnson) takes a break from her long-term relationship to see what being single feels like. It doesn’t take long for her to realize that she hates it. Her boyfriend has moved on, so Alice has to learn how to be single with the help of her new friend, Robin (Rebel Wilson). According to Robin, single-life is defined by the number of free drinks you can get and how many of those drinks you will need before sleeping with someone you DON’T want to sleep with. This is all news to Alice, who is so codependent she doesn’t know how to unzip her dress without assistance. Yes, there are scenes of Alice collapsing in tears because she can’t get OUT of the dress she somehow got INTO on her own. I’m stealing one of Rebel Wilson’s lines when I say I’d like to tit-punch the person who came up with that.
Alice is surrounded by even more insulting female stereotypes, like the work-obsessed woman who suddenly decides she HAS to have a baby. There’s also the marriage-obsessed woman, who creates an algorithm to find the perfect mate. We get to witness her very public meltdown when she realizes it doesn’t work, because depressed single women are apparently HILARIOUS.
F-you How to Be Single, for laughing about that. F-you also for taking all of my favorite actors and putting them in your stupid movie. F-you as well, for taking the adorable Jake Lacy and turning him into a stalker. Yeah, I said it. When a person shows up at your home and business repeatedly, insisting that you belong together, it’s stalking. Replace the adorable, smiling actor with that creepy guy from work, and you’ll see what I mean. Hollywood thinks it’s so romantic but when that type of attention is unwanted, it’s flat out scary.
I have to give How to Be Single some credit for turning things around for Alice at the end, but it’s too little too late. I honestly came this close to walking out of the theater multiple times, and that’s why I’m giving How to Be Single a D. Do yourself a favor and avoid this one, especially if you are single. You heard that Ryan Reynolds gets naked in Deadpool, right?