The holidays are over and it’s honestly kind of depressing, isn’t it? There’s nothing to look forward to, except that one glass of wine you get Saturday night because you’re going to lose this holiday weight, dammit!
Well, some great movies are coming out in the upcoming months. OK, I don’t know if they’re GREAT yet, but there’s enough to get mildly excited about during these snowless winter days.
The Revenant- 1/8
People have asked me if this movie is violent. Well, I reviewed The Revenant for WCSX in Detroit and used the words puckered bunghole to describe it. In fact, there’s a bear-attack scene that’s so intense, some people thought the bear was actually raping Leonardo DiCaprio. The Revenant is CRAZY VIOLENT, but it’s also strangely beautiful and will definitely be nominated for something. Hopefully, DiCaprio will even win an Oscar for letting that bear have its way with him.
Kung Fu Panda 3- 1/29
I liked Kung Fu Panda, but I LOVED Kung Fu Panda 2. I wasn’t expecting much from it, and the hint that Po might find his family had me openly weeping as I left the theater. I also CAN’T WAIT to see what happens to the budding relationship between Po & Tigress! Don’t judge me.
Pride & Prejudice & Zombies- 2/5
You know the Jane Austen story with Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy? Well, it’s THAT, but they’re also battling zombies. Need more? Because I don’t.
The Witch- 2/28
I’ve been waiting for this one ever since it was screened at Sundance and a few hundred film critics simultaneously shat their pants. It’s the story of a Puritan family in the 17th century, who moves from their village to an isolated forest. Their infant son goes missing and they turn on each other, convinced there’s a witch in their midst. If you’re thinking The Witch doesn’t sound scary, just shut up and watch the trailer.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot- 3/4
This is based on journalist Kim Barker’s memoir The Taliban Shuffle: Strange Days in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Tina Fey plays Barker when she worked as an Operation Freedom war correspondent. This thrills me to pieces because I adore Tina Fey and I’d really like to see her in a good movie. Not to bash her previous work but she deserves something funny AND smart, that doesn’t always end in a vagina joke. (Sorry T! Hope this doesn’t affect our pretend friendship!)
Midnight Special- 3/18
I’m so jazzed about this movie that I tried to create a new metaphor to express it. Sadly, everything I came up with involved naked body parts or actual sex-acts, so I gave up. That alone should show you just how excited I am about Midnight Special. It’s about a Dad who goes on the run with his son, who just happens to have supernatural powers. It’s directed by Jeff Nichols who did one of my favorite movies ever, Take Shelter (Git it!). Michael Shannon plays the Dad and I love it when he plays a good-guy. Adam Driver plays the head of a government task force that’s hunting for the kid. I like it even MORE when he plays the bad-guy!
Everybody Wants Some- 4/15
People keep calling this Dazed & Confused Part 2. Director Richard Linklater says it’s actually more like a follow up to Boyhood, because it starts where that movie ends. Yes, but with a totally different cast and in a completely different time period. So it’s essentially NOTHING like either movie, but I’m still pumped because I appreciate any Linklater-stoner-comedy.
The Jungle Book- 4/15
Did we all see this trailer before Star Wars: The Force Awakens? It looked too intense to be a Disney picture to me, with that scary talking snake. In fact, I didn’t even think it WAS the new Jungle Book until they showed the bear, Baloo. Know who plays Baloo? Bill-Freaking-Murray, that’s who. Now you’ve gotta see the new Jungle Book too, don’t you?
Captain America: Civil War- 5/6
One word: Bucky. Yeah, I know there’s some big story arc where Cap and Iron Man start fighting and Falcon shows up (which is always nice) but it’s all about Bucky to me. He’s so emo, with that long hair and the side-eye. LOVE IT! Sebastian Stan plays Bucky but I’ve found he doesn’t do it for me without the Winter Soldier get-up. I saw him in The Martian and thought, meh. But put that boy in a metal suit and a grunge-cut and I’m THERE.
X-Men: Apocalypse 5/27
Why am I excited about this one? Because it’s X-Men: Apocalypse for fruit’s sake! What? Did all of those lame Wolverine movies kill your X-Men buzz? If that’s the case, watch X-Men: Days of Future Past. Yeah, the title sucks but the movie itself will definitely get you excited about the X-Men again.
The Conjuring 2: The Enfield Poltergeist- 6/10
Finding Dory- 6/17
OK, I’ll admit that I’m not REALLY that excited about Finding Dory. I don’t understand why it took so long to make it and I suspect it’s going to be one, long memory-loss joke. My kids, however, are SO EXCITED about it. Finding Dory is essentially their version of Star Wars: The Force Awakens. When the 11 & 8-year-old discuss it, they sound like little internet trolls, dissecting all the ways this movie could POSSIBLY suck. But deep down, we all know it won’t.
The BFG- 7/1
Okay, it’s directed by Steven Spielberg and stars the adorable Bill Hader as a friendly giant who refuses to eat kids. Yes, BFG stands for Big Friendly Giant. Awwww!
Ghostbusters- July 15
I know that everyone got their panties twisted about this remake and the fact that it stars all women and wah wah wah. Don’t start that stupid debate with me because I don’t care. The original Ghostbusters isn’t a sacred cow to me and…OK, I’ll say it. I think it could be improved upon. I adore Paul Feig but I’m even more in love with this cast. Watch this SNL sketch and then tell me you seriously DON’T want to see Kate McKinnon play a Ghostbuster. Yes you do!
There! That should keep you happy through the summer. Keep checking back to the website because I’ll give away free movie passes all year long, to these and other movies I’m not AS pumped about. Hey, a free movie is ALWAYS exciting though, right? Now go ahead and drink that one glass of wine a few days early to celebrate! I won’t tell anyone. Hell, I might even join you.