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My Review of “The Huntsman: Winter’s War” (& Why I’ll Never Show It to Anyone)

Sometimes a movie is so bad, you actually leave the theater a little depressed. Other times you get 15 minutes into the film and realize you can’t watch another second without some form of alcohol in your system. If a movie does both of these things, as The Huntsman: Winter’s War did to me, it’s an extremely bad sign.

Maybe that’s why Rebekah Black and I filmed a movie review afterwards that’s so vile, SO OFFENSIVE, it will never be seen by human eyes.

It started out the usual way, with me seeking out lighting that didn’t make us look like Sea Hags. We launched our review with gripes about The Huntsman‘s almost 2-hour run time, and how alcohol made it bearable but also rendered it very easy to sleep through. Then, we just went ahead and tore into The Huntsmen for being vapid.

The pre-Snow White story of evil Queen Ravenna and her sister Freya sounds interesting enough, but the flat writing wrings any excitement out of it. You’re left with a Frozen/Maleficent hybrid, but one that is sloppy and boring. There’s also the problem of truly terrible CGI, which is reminiscent of “Zuul” from the first Ghostbusters movie.

Rebekah Black and I then launched into the staggering cast of Oscar winners and nominees who star in The Huntsmen, and this is where things got ugly.

Chris Hemsworth returns as Eric the Huntsman, and one can only assume he signed his name in blood on some contract years ago and had to come back. We can assume the same about Charlize Theron, but how the HELL did Emily Blunt, who was incredible in Sicario last year, end up here? Even more absurd is Jessica Chastain as the Eric’s true love, Sara. She was also contractually obligated to do this film, but you have to wonder why anyone EVER thought this role worked for her.

Rebekah and I went on to declare our undying love for Jessica Chastain and how we’d watch her in anything, even if it sucked as much as The Huntsman. I mentioned a picture I saw of Jessica Chastain and Octavia Spencer having a Girl’s Night, and we decided we’d rather watch those two EAT DINNER than see The Huntsman again. Rebekah said it’d be even better if they shared a hot-dog, like Lady and the Tramp, and that’s where the downward spiral happened. I got carried away (thanks to the Long Island Iced Tea I drank during the movie) and started listing things I would pay to watch Jessica Chastain and Octavia Spencer eat. I even acted some of it out. Graphically.

So, apologies to Jessica Chastain and Octavia Spencer for…whatever that was. I should also apologize to Rebekah Black, who said, “You’re not really going to YouTube that, are you???” And for those of you who are still planning to see The Huntsman: Winter’s War, don’t forget to grab a Long Island Iced Tea before heading to your seat. It might make you briefly offensive after the movie, but it will also help you sleep through it. -F

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