Idris Elba
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FREE MOVIE PASSES: See “The Dark Tower” EARLY & FOR FREE

It isn’t easy for Stephen King fans, when we hear they’re making one of his books into a movie. We know that everything he writes will probably end up in theaters one day, but we’ve been let down so many times before.
It’s like the moment when your kid tells you she wants to do a hula-hoop routine at the school talent show. You smile and try to be encouraging, but you’ve seen her drop that hula-hoop WAY more times than you’ve seen her keep it up.
“Are you SURE, honey,” you ask her, hoping that she’ll change her mind. That’s when she senses your concern and asks, “WHY Mommy? Why SHOULDN’T I do a hula-hoop routine for the talent show?”
You, being the concerned parent, want to warn her about all the horrible things that could go wrong and how the other kids might laugh at her. You want to remind her that she’s actually not that great with a hula-hoop but you can’t bring yourself to do it.
So what happens?
You watch in horror as she drops her hula-hoop so many times during the talent show that the other parents think it’s part of her act. (True story.)
What does this have to do with the big-screen version Stephen King’s The Dark Tower? I’m not really sure but I feel much better now so thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
If you’d like to see The Dark Tower, starring Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey EARLY and FOR FREE though, I can help. Continue reading →

Charlize Theron

“Atomic Blonde”- A Stream of Consciousness Movie Review

Here is a collection of my thoughts while watching Charlize Theron in Atomic Blonde:

Holy CRAP, Charlize Theron looks amazing! How old is she now? Almost 42? Damn woman!
OK, so she plays Lorraine, who is an undercover MI6 agent during the Cold War. You know this because Regan is screaming for the wall to come down. Lorraine’s been in a bad fight but still looks gorgeous with her scrapes and bruises. She’s even sexy when she’s glowering. How does she do that? I look like a sea hag when I glower. Maybe I should practice in a mirror.


I’m already kind of confused but it doesn’t matter because they’re playing some classic David Bowie now, which I adore. I think this song was on the Cat People soundtrack, too.

Anyhow, Lorraine is in trouble for some reason and is being debriefed by her boss and John Goodman. They want her to find a guy named Spyglass with the help of James McAvoy, who is all buff and beefy now. He’s bald again, too. Why does James McAvoy only play bald dudes now? Wait, IS JAMES MCAVOY BALD? Nevermind, they’re playing Depeche Mode. Continue reading →

movies

FREE MOVIE PASSES: See “The Nut Job 2” & “Leap” EARLY & FOR FREE

ATTENTION ALL FULL-TIME-SUMMER PARENTS!!!
I’m speaking to those of you who have been left in charge of the ankle-biters while they are out of school. I feel your pain!
I too have visited every park, accepted every play-date and purchased every kid-appropriate option GROUPON has to offer (Wait, can we take our kids to wine-tastings?)
BUT SUMMER STILL ISN’T OVER!
What do we do with them now?
Lucky for us, I was able to wrangle up free passes to see The Nut Job 2 AND Leap!
Are they good movies?
WHO CARES? They’re FREE and they’ll keep your spawn from asking “What are we gonna do NOW” for a full ninety minutes. Heck, you might even be able to work in a little snooze while they’re watching the movie. Continue reading →

John Boyega
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FREE MOVIE PASSES: See “Detroit” EARLY & FOR FREE

I’ve got it bad for Kathryn Bigelow.
Not only did she direct and co-write two of my favorite movies (The Hurt Locker & Zero Dark Thirty), she also ran against ex-husband James Cameron for the 2010 Best Director Oscar and beat him. That has to be the greatest case of revenge EVER.
I’d get behind anything Kathryn Bigelow did but her latest movie, Detroit, looks outstanding. She has re-teamed with writing partner Mark Boal, to tell the true story of the 1967 Detroit Rebellion. Bigelow also packed the cast with powerhouses like John Boyega, Anthony Mackie, Jason Mitchell and John Krasinski. She even found a spot for Hannah Murray, whom we can all agree plays an adorable Gilly in Game of Thrones. So, want to join me at an EARLY and COMPLETELY FREE screening of Detroit? Continue reading →

Chris Nolan's DUNKIRK

FREE MOVIE PASSES: See “Dunkirk” EARLY & FOR FREE

Holy crap, I’ve got free passes to see Dunkirk!
If you don’t know why that’s something to holy crap about, then you obviously haven’t heard that Dunkirk is the latest from Writer/Director Christopher Nolan. It’s his first feature-length film since Inception (2014) and tells of the evacuation of allied forces, who were surrounded by the German army during WWII. Nolan wanted to avoid CGI as much as he could and focused on old-school effects, like placing actual naval destroyers in the water and crowding the beach with cardboard cut-outs of soldiers. He even put Spitfires on cranes and swung them around to film the dog-fights. Continue reading →

Andy Serkis as Caesar
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FREE MOVIE PASSES: See “War for the Planet of the Apes” EARLY & FOR FREE

If you think you don’t want to see War for the Planet of the Apes, you should probably do what I’m doing with my daughters this weekend; watch the first two movies again.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) and Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) were both lauded by critics (OK, Dawn way more so than Rise) and featured excellent performances by Andy Serkis. Those films set up a finale that, believe it or not, has already become one of the highest rated films of the summer. Even better, you get to see War for the Planet of the Apes EARLY and FOR FREE! Continue reading →

Balthazar Brat

Mommy-Movie-Review: “Despicable Me 3”- This Time, A Villain Steals the SHOW

I took my kids to see Despicable Me 3 the other night, but I had to bribe them. The girls were so disinterested in Gru and the Minions this time around that they’d only see it if I smuggled brownies into the theater (sorry AMC!). I also had plenty of things that I’d rather do that night but I had to go because I am a Film Critic and Film Critics see movies. Even the ones they don’t want to see.

Fortunately for all three of us, Despicable Me 3 is far better than expected. It has all of the things we enjoyed in the earlier pictures (great animation, a sweet family story and Minions for DAYS) but this DM3 offers something even better.

It has what is quite possibly the BEST onscreen villain I’ve seen since Goldfinger:
The Brat. Continue reading →

Spider-Man
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Mommy-Movie-Review: Is “Spider-Man: Homecoming” OK for Kids?

Before we discuss taking your kids to see Spider-Man: Homecoming, we should probably address how YOU feel about it. Odds are, you’re still confused about the need for a reboot (especially since they JUST rebooted it with Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker) and, as a result, you’re apathetic about the whole thing.

Let me clue you in to a few solid reasons for you to NOT be apathetic about Spider-Man: Homecoming. Continue reading →

Wall-E

Me: The Cockroach Assassin (An Old Blog for Summer Break)

I simply can’t write during Summer Break.
I’m blaming my kids, since they’re home from school and currently draped over various pieces of furniture, staring at mind-numbing electronic devices. They would honestly let me sit at the computer all day long if it meant they could continue their non-activity but watching them sit there MAKES ME CRAZY.
Isn’t that strange? That watching someone do nothing at all could make you want to snatch that iPhone out of their hands and stomp it to death?
It’s this particular mania that has led me to countless pool-trips, friend-visits and dollars spent on Groupon, just so they’ll PUT DOWN THAT DAMNED DEVICE!
It’s also why I’m posting a very old blog from my even older Blogspot account. I can’t find the brain-space to write now so I’ll just share stuff I could write then. Enjoy!

MOTHERF**KING ROACHES

Did you know that cockroaches are warm to the touch?
Well, I didn’t actually touch him. I just stepped on him one night in our old house. Continue reading →

Tom Holland

FREE MOVIE PASSES: See “Spider-Man: Homecoming” EARLY & FOR FREE

If you aren’t excited about Spider-Man: Homecoming, it’s probably because you didn’t see his triumphant return in Captain America: Civil War. Yes, I also rolled my eyes at the thought of it, but my Spidey-apathy was abated when young Tom Holland donned that stretchy suit. Good Lord, that boy is adorable. If you missed it, click HERE to see a compilation of his Captain America: Civil War scenes. Or don’t. I mean, then you’ll just want to SEE Spider-Man:Homecoming and I simply don’t have enough free passes for EVERYONE. Continue reading →