I should tell you right away that I didn’t see “Mortdecai” because I had absolutely no desire to. In fact, just looking at the movie-poster above makes me want to go throw a brick through a car window (preferrably Johnny Depp’s car window). I’ve been reading reviews on RottenTomatoes.com where “Mortdecai” is currently getting a 9% (certified ROTTEN), so it appears I didn’t miss much. My favorite comment so far came from Film Critic Robbie Collin, who called the movie “psychotically unfunny.” Here’s a link to his “Mortdecai” review, which I suspect is far better than the movie itself. Continue reading →
Our hamster Snowball is sick.
It all started about 6 months ago when my daughter Emma noticed something inside Snowball’s ear. I didn’t think it was serious until it got so big that it was growing OUTSIDE of Snowball’s ear as well. That’s when I took her to the vet.
Yes, that’s right. I took a hamster to the vet which is an endeavor in itself since NO ONE treats hamsters. We found the only place in Dallas that would see her and that’s where they determined she has cancer. Hamster Cancer, believe it or not, is quite common and is the #3 killer of hamsters, right behind:
#1- Other Housepets and
#2- Neglectful Children Continue reading →
Years ago, I took boxing classes with a trainer named Maurice Nelson. Maurice was a wonderful dude and a glowing example of what exercise and a healthy diet can do for a body. That’s why it was so shocking when we found out he had colon cancer.
I stopped taking boxing classes (boxing, it turns out, is REALLY HARD) but Maurice and I remained friends. He got really skinny from the chemotherapy, so I started bringing food for him to the gym. He didn’t like everything I brought (“Don’t feel like you have to bring that cabbage soup again.”) but he LOVED my chili. Maurice even told me once that my chili was the best he had ever tasted. I told my husband that night, to which he responded, “Has he ever EATEN chili before?” Continue reading →
My oldest daughter is 9 so we’ve had many You-and-Your-Body discussions lately. I get a bit squirrely about some of her questions so, being the big chicken that I am, I bought her a book.
It’s called “The Care & Keeping of You,” and believe it or not it’s from the American Girl Doll people. My friends kept raving about it so I grabbed it and now I see why. It covers everything from how to floss to how to use a tampon. Prepare yourself for that last one because it’s pretty graphic. That particular diagram led my daughter and I to our most recent BODY conversation. Continue reading →
I felt pretty stupid the first time I walked into Madewell because everyone there seemed about 20 years younger than me. I took a cursory look around and then ran the hell out because I was worried my dentures would fall out or my Depends would start leaking. I went BACK though, on a Tuesday at 10am when no one was there and I found my favorite store in the world. Continue reading →
I think my youngest daughter Lucy might be an alien. Ever since she was old enough to speak, she has said the strangest things. Take, for instance, the picture above. Lucy made that for Thanksgiving in Kindergarten. I don’t know what it’s supposed to be but it is, at once, awesome and terrifying.
Let me be clear. Lucy is a very smart girl and she gets good grades. Her brain just works differently than most. I realized this when she was about 3 and her sister asked what we were having for dinner. Lucy said, “We’re having hot dogs, Pull-Ups and Chicken Chokes.” Continue reading →
I’m a big fan of scary movies. I’ll watch my favorites like “Jaws” or “The Conjuring” over and over again because they play to my irrational fears of being eaten by sharks or chased by clapping ghosts. Then you have movies like “Still Alice,” which are a different kind of scary movie. These are even worse because they play on real, very rational fears. Continue reading →
There it is ladies and gentlemen! The only halfway decent photo I got of Bradley Cooper at the “American Sniper” Red Carpet Premiere in Plano. He came whizzing by like a well-coiffed dust-devil and I barely got a glimpse of him, much less the Bradley-Cooper-Selfie I so desperately desired. I fared far better than most of the media people though. They had been PROMISED a few moments with Bradley Cooper, only to watch him glide right by. I’m not gonna lie. That sucks. Continue reading →
There’s a horrible reality about parenting. Sometimes we wish our kids would just shut the hell up.
A child who has your attention will talk continuously and it’s usually about something like “My Little Pony” or Minecraft. You, as a loving parent (who wants to keep future therapy bills to a minimum) will smile and nod and do your best to keep up. Yes, because a child who is telling you A VERY IMPORTANT STORY will stop occasionally to make sure you are listening so you can’t zone out and make a mental list of shoes you’d like to buy. That’s why you listen and keep listening until you can distract the child long enough to escape the room.
I have found a way to stop all of that. Continue reading →
I am so excited about celebrating your 40th Birthday this weekend, but I know you have mixed emotions. Crossing over from your 30s into your 40s isn’t exactly FUN. Believe me, anyone who says they’re excited about it is secretly crying into a bottle of vodka. There ARE some good things about turning 40 though and I would know. I’ve been in my 40s so long that I’m already mentally-preparing for my 50s, so here’s my birthday present to you. It’s a brief list of the things you actually have to look forward to when you turn 40. Continue reading →