Wiig & Hamm

Rewriting the Rules of Sex (A Group Project)

I had a thought recently, after reading the story about Aziz Ansari’s really bad date. Well, I actually had many thoughts, such as:
“OH NO! Not Tom Haverford!”
Or, “Why would a famous guy pressure someone? Why wouldn’t he just move on?”
And, “Oh girl, I’ve been there. I bet he even did the head-push, didn’t he?”

We, as a society, are having so many revelations right now, about men and women and how we interact. The one thing that’s coming across loud and clear though, is this:
The status quo simply isn’t working for anyone.
Lines are being redrawn all across the board, but the one we REALLY need to focus on now is the line leading into the our bedrooms.

Yes, I think it’s time to Rewrite the Rules of Sex.

We’ve been discussing it, complaining about it and laughing about it for years now but it’s time of officially DO something about it. Men and women need to outline what IS and IS NOT APPROPRIATE in the bedroom, and to be extremely clear about it. We need to be open and honest, and to do it in a way that doesn’t accuse or ignore.

I need help with this because, let’s be honest, I’ve been out of the game a long time. The last date I went on was 20 years ago, but some of the awkward interactions leading up to it are still burned in my mind. I want a new Rule Book, not for me but for my daughters. I want them to know what they’re dealing with when they have adult relationships, and that the people they spend time with play by those same rules.

So, PLEASE help me rewrite the Rule Book.

You can put your thoughts in the Comments, or Direct Message them to my Facebook Page. I will post them when I get enough, so please type PRIVATE if you don’t want me to use your comment. Remember to be clear and specific, and to include things you DO WANT, as well as the things you DON’T. And forgive me if I edit some of the raunchier ones.

I’ll start.

One of the biggest issues we seem to have currently is KNOWING when a person wants sex. What if couples instituted a Safe Word early on, that signaled it was time? It might even be fun coming up with one, like “Check Engine Light”, or maybe “The Snozzberries taste like Snozzberries!” Whatever the Safe Word was, it would be a clear indicator that someone was ready. Determining a Safe Word would also initiate a conversation about sex, which simply doesn’t happen enough. So much of the confusion could be cleared by simply talking about needs and comfort levels, but that isn’t always easy. Maybe a Safe Word would be that gateway.

Or maybe not. Maybe it’s a stupid idea. You’ll just have to let me know.

Men and women have a rare opportunity right now, to communicate our needs and build stronger relationships. We also have the chance to create better, more comfortable and ultimately more satisfying intimate experiences.
Who wouldn’t want that???
I’ll be waiting for your responses, and let me know if you DO use “Check Engine Light.”


  1. It’s a good idea, sort of. I know what you’re after, and why you’re after it. I think you’re well and truly too late. I do hope you can forgive me, but I just cannot think of a more appropriate (and timely) way of putting this, but we are fucked. I hate to sound fatalistic. What you’re asking for, in my view, reveals the actual problem(s). This dialog for a safe word is as nothing compared to the real need: the ability for adult Americans to dialog maturely about sex. That we are completely and utterly incapable of doing this in 2018, with no hope in sight of ever being able to do this, given that we don’t even recognize that it’s a problem, in my view, seals our fate. We did this to ourselves almost as effectively as a communist propaganda regime. America has been and remains hopelessly schizophrenic about sex, banging madly left and right between satisfying, salacious, titillating, public executions of ‘those perverts’ and abstinence only, std minefields. Between Puritans and pornographers. [suddenly all the way back to poor Fatty Arbuckle, comes to mind]

    It’s laughable. We had the entire 60’s… In 2018 grown ass people are seriously….
    I loath issuing such condemnation because judgment, I fear, is at the root of it all. But the sheer childishness about sex. We’ve been taught for a very long time to treat it all this way. Easy target. Very effective on a very large percentage of the current human race. What springs to mind now is that, while I don’t condone the actions of any of the recently revealed abusers (my wife is a multiple survivor), Louis CK will probably end up losing more money for masturbating than the catholic church did for actually molesting children.

    Laughable and pathetic (like our values), like the two young women who said they couldn’t believe what was happening when Louis CK started to masturbate, and they began to laugh. Abuse of power? Yes! But in that moment they were not solely young women abused, they were also young women laughing at a pathetic old man and the sad absurdity of the situation.

    We did this to ourselves. It can’t be forgotten that ours is a system that produces an assault on 1 in 4 women. It’s every American loon for her or his own self. I suggest you tell your daughters what you know. Teach them to teach themselves, and seriously… between the pious (bullshit) and the porn (bullshit) are these highly ridiculed and derided sex positive folk, who are at least trying to be mature about it all; to create dialog, language, healing. That’s all I got, Julie.

    1. Thanks for your response Allen! You might be right (that people simply can’t TALK about sex anymore) because you’re the only person who’s responded to me! I sure appreciate everything you said and that you took the time to say it.

  2. Umm, whatever happened to getting to know each other first? When did the first date hook up become a thing? Of course 2 people who are basically strangers are going to have issues with sex. My mother always taught me you don’t have to be married, but you should have strong feelings for each other. (As a catholic this is still a little fast!) We took the morals (feelings? Emotions?) out of sex and I think we are paying the price.

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