FIFTY SHADES FREED
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MOVIE REVIEW: “Fifty Shades Freed” (Thank GOD, the End is NIGH!)

A friend asked me, just yesterday, “UGGGGH, are they really still making those Fifty Shades of Grey movies?”
Yes, and UGH indeed.
See, I’ve never been been a fan of these damn things. I didn’t even finish the first book because I thought it was boring and that the sex-scenes were just slightly more titillating than men’s underwear mannequins at Macy’s. The films are a bit more fun because we have the dewy, sweet-faced Dakota Johnson as our Anastasia, but we also have the cut-directly-from-cardboard Jamie Dornan, as our Christian Grey. Sure, he has a beautiful body but the lack of charisma is daunting.
The vapid Fifty Shades story-line might have been saved if these two were ever capable of generating any real heat. No one remembers exactly what Nine and a Half Weeks was about, but certain scenes will live forever just because they were so HOT (Yes, please leave your hat on!). Dornan and Johnson’s love-scenes however, seem to cause a sex-vacuum, and often feel like you’re watching two strangers, who don’t even like each other, try to get it on. Now that I think about it, that’s exactly what we’re watching. Sure, there are stories and satellite characters and actual arcs built into this tome, but does any of it matter if the sex isn’t sexy?
These are the questions I’ve asked myself repeatedly while sitting through each of these movies. That’s one of the only downfalls of being a Film Critic (aside from all that money you aren’t making): Sometimes you have to see movies that you DON’T want to see.
Which brings me to the main point of my Fifty Shades Freed review.
I feel pretty certain that those of you who WANT to see this movie WILL see it, regardless of what I say. I sat through all 105 (thankfully brief) minutes though, so you’re getting my review anyhow. Continue reading →

Tanner Kloven, Gwen Reyes, Alanna Sarabia

Reviewing “Fifty Shades Darker” on GOOD MORNING TEXAS

There are few things that I enjoy talking about MORE than movies and smut. It’s a very special day when I get to combine the two! Even better, I got to discuss the ins and outs of Fifty Shades Darker today with some of my favorite people: Gwen Reyes from Fresh Fiction, Tanner Kloven from AMP 103.7, and the adorable Alanna Sarabia on Good Morning Texas. The conversation got a little dirty (we even made Alanna blush) but we didn’t beat around the bush with our opinions. So, should you see Fifty Shades Darker? Click HERE to watch our segment, then go ahead and buy your tickets because you KNOW you’re going to see it anyway!

Dornan & Johnson

PODCAST: 3 Drunk Women Review “Fifty Shades Darker”

You can’t listen to this podcast at work. You probably shouldn’t even listen to it at home, unless you have headphones. If that’s the case, make sure you turn them down REALLY LOW.
See, I went to a Fifty Shades Darker screening with some girlfriends last night, then we got drinks and talked about it. There are no filters to this conversation. It’s simply drunk women talking loads of trash, and then eventually reviewing Fifty Shades Darker. You’ve been warned. Continue reading →

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MOVIE REVIEWS: “Zoolander 2” & “How to Be Single”

Isn’t it weird that this Valentine’s Day, a bunch of Comedies are opening instead of Romances? Well, there’s that Nicholas Sparks flick The Choice, but everyone heard how awful it was and scratched it off their lists. Now, all the Film Critics are telling people to see Deadpool (and you should), but Zoolander 2 and How to Be Single are opening this weekend as well. Are they worth it? Should you skip a naked Ryan Reynolds and try one of those instead? Continue reading →

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FREE MOVIE PASSES: See “How to Be Single” On Me!

I saw the trailer for How to Be Single a few months ago and it made me laugh so hard that I immediately shared it with everyone I knew. Rebel Wilson is my Spirit Animal and I’m surprised by how much I dig Dakota Johnson. She was the only good thing about Fifty Shades of Grey, and she was fantastic in Black Mass. Unfortunately, everyone was too freaked out by Johnny Depp’s make-up to notice.

I guess How to Be Single is about a bunch of single women running around New York City. It’s like an updated Sex and the City, but without the designer shoes, and with LESLIE MANN. She was so adorable in The Other Woman, that she was actually hotter than Kate Upton. Don’t bother telling me I’m wrong about that, because I’M NOT. Now, I KNOW you want to go so click HERE to grab those free passes and then watch the trailer below. Oh my God, I really need to get drunk with Rebel Wilson!

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MOVIE REVIEW: “Black Mass” Starring Johnny Depp as Gollum

You have to wonder what went through the mind of Director Scott Cooper (Crazy Heart, Out of the Furnace) when he decided to take on a gangster film like Black Mass. Did he think about classics like The Godfather and Goodfellas, or did he try to put them out of his mind? Did he ruminate over his favorite episodes of The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire, or did he pretend they didn’t exist? Did he revisit current films about crime in South Boston, like The Town or The Departed, or did he cross his fingers and hope no one saw any similiarities?
The simple fact is that there’s no way to make a gangster movie today without treading on some well-traveled ground. That being the case, how can a filmmaker create a crime story that’s fresh and covers new territory? Continue reading →