You Filthy Animal

The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Done (A Motivational Tale for the Holidays)

See that sign above?
It’s hanging in South Dallas, in a fun area called the Bishop Arts District.
It’s also where I went to hide this weekend after pulling the dumbest stunt of my life.
My family was visiting from out of state and we had planned, like we always do, to take a Christmas-light carriage-ride that very night. We do it any time my family visits for the holidays and it’s something we all enjoy. It isn’t cheap so we usually share the cost, but this year my husband and I picked up the bill, as our gift to everyone. We were discussing our concerns about the weather that day, when my husband got a call from the carriage company.
“Julie…was our carriage ride LAST night?”
My husband had a look of panic in his eyes, because he probably already knew the answer. The world might be filled with people who wouldn’t make that kind of mistake, but he knows he isn’t married to one of them.
“NO,” I screamed. “It’s tonight! Why would they even say that?”
I kept insisting it wasn’t possible but an awful feeling settled into my stomach because, deep down, I also knew. Continue reading →

Ugly Sweater

The World Needs an Ugly Christmas Sweater

Calling the past five days a “crappy week” would be an understatement. Plans fell through, packages were sent to wrong addresses, and my body is covered with bruises from the counters and coffee tables I’ve run into. I wanted to put a big black X over this day and stay inside, but a list of errands was staring me in the face. The idea of exiting my pajamas made me even angrier, so I searched my closet for an outfit that said “I’m only wearing clothes because I absolutely have to.”

And there it was.

My ages-old ugly Christmas sweater, purchased for a party years ago. It was PERFECT. A bright red middle-finger to the world, signifying my deficit of shits to give. It even smelled weird, like that unidentifiable scent in your grandmother’s house, that’s at once familiar and kind of gross. Continue reading →