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BLOG: I’m A Grown Woman Who Can’t Do A Cartwheel

My daughter Lucy is going to a birthday party today and she’s a little anxious about it. She’s excited to see her friends and have some cake, but you see, it’s a gynastics party. She won’t tell me exactly why that worries her but I think I already know. Lucy can’t do a cartwheel, which is no big surprise since I can’t do a cartwheel either. Never have and I guess, never will.

I thought I could learn at one point. There was a girl at my school who could do jumps and flips all across our gym floor. She looked so strong and sleek when she did it, I just HAD to give it a try. Mom signed me up for gymnastics, but I quit after two lessons. I remember how HARD the instructors worked with me and how loudly they cheered after my first somersault. It was embarassing because even I knew that gravity would kick in eventually and pull me over. Mom didn’t complain when I asked if I could stop the classes, either. She probably looked at my basketball-shaped-body and understood why gymnastics would never happen for me.

I got older and the list of other things I couldn’t do got longer. I couldn’t ski (on snow or water) or play softball or volleyball. I never learned how to braid a fishtail, play tennis, or drive a jet-ski. I can’t even properly throw a frisbee. Don’t throw one to me because it will just come bouncing back. My big sister would stare at me dumbfounded and say, “What are you going to DO? How can you expect to go on without knowing this stuff? What if your friends want to go water skiing? What will you do THEN?”

It scared the CRAP out of me when she said that because I had NO IDEA what I would do! Fake it? Cry? Set myself on fire, maybe?

But…I guess I made it. I mean, I’ve reached middle-age (probaby beyond, given my family tree) and never had friends pick on me for NOT knowing how to ski. My husband thinks it’s pretty funny when I try to throw a frisbee but I’ve never been laughed off a volleyball court for not knowing how to play. And I’ve never once in my life thought, “If only I’d been able to do a cartwheel.”

So Lucy, I’m sorry you can’t do a cartwheel but you come by that inability naturally. I know it sucks NOW but before long, no one will ever ask you to do a cartwheel again. Your life will be filled with things you CAN DO though, and you should brag about those things frequently. I still can’t ski but I can bake a chicken pot pie and make all my own salad dressings. I still cower and close my eyes when I play volleyball but I’m great at cleaning up a red wine stain. And NO, I still can’t do a cartwheel but I gave birth to two little babies who are perfect in every way. Well, except they also can’t do cartwheels.

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BLOG: How “Good Mythical Morning” Caused a Father-Daughter Showdown

My husband and daughter made their first official bet last night. Yes, that’s a 42-year-old man betting an 11-year-old girl that she’s WRONG. To be fair, I was totally on his side until money hit the table. It was all over Emma’s favorite YouTube show, Good Mythical Morning. She described a story she saw there about “The World’s Unluckiest Man.” He’d survived bus, car & plane crashes, THEN went on to win the lottery. We told her there was no WAY anything that crazy could be true but she wasn’t backing down. Then the $20 gauntlet was thrown and I backed out. See, I know THE SECOND money gets involved that I am unequivocally wrong. Continue reading →

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MOVIE REVIEWS (from other people): “Ant-Man” & “Trainwreck”

I didn’t see ANY movies this week. I went to the lake with some friends and this is what most of my week looked like.
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The only problem with that is some really big movies just opened and people have been asking me about them. I’ve been wondering about these flicks as well so I decided to share reviews from some of my favorite Film Critics WITH you. Makes me seem generous…instead of just lazy.

I’ve been excited about Ant-Man because Paul Rudd can do no wrong in my eyes. I also can’t help but get excited about anything MARVEL does these days. I decided to share Robert Wilonsky’s review of it because he’s my favorite combination: Smart, funny & easy on the eyes. He also likes to share movies with his kid, which I can relate to. His review of Ant-Man got me pretty excited to see it so read that by clicking HERE.

I want to be best friends with Amy Schumer. I want to get drunk with her and run amok and end the evening by prank calling Katie Couric. I’ll have to settle for just seeing her movie Trainwreck. My friend Chase Whale saw this movie at SWSX and he’s been gushing about it ever since. I think he might have even shed a tear or two while writing this review, which is why I simply HAD to share it. You can and ABSOLUTELY SHOULD read his review by clicking HERE.

So THANKS FELLAS for doing the work for me this week. I will be back at it NEXT week though when Pixels hits theaters. I’ve got free passes for that one so make sure you grab those by clicking HERE. I’ll be at that screening with my kids, as well. Just look for the lady with the sunburned face and boat-hair.

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BLOG: How to Survive the Dark Days of Unemployment

I noticed through the social-media-rumor-mill that several of my friends just lost their jobs. Some of these instances are related but so many AREN’T that I think it might just be THAT time of year. I’ve been out of work for so long now that one could say I’ve gotten kind of good at it. That’s why I decided to write this list of ways to cope with the Dark Days of Unemployment.

1) DO NOT PANIC! This is very important because unless you have another job waiting in the wings, you will be worried about your future. You will probably wake up at 2am, then 3am and again at 5am with the words WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? blaring in your head. Practice this mantra: I will work again when the right job comes along. Say it to yourself over and over again until you believe it, because it is true. Continue reading →

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FREE MOVIE PASSES: See “Pixels” On Me!

If you AREN’T excited about seeing Adam Sandler’s new movie Pixels, maybe you should take a look at THIS. It’s some behind the scenes footage Sandler himself caught on a GoPro.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDAiw96h0Mc

NOW you want to see it, right? Well, that’s awesome because I just happen to have free passes to a screening this Tuesday (7/21). Just click HERE for those and I’ll see you there! Oh yeah, I have kids who are full-blown gamers so they’re DEMANDING to see it.

ADOPT A FRIEND: Meet “Bella” at the East Lake Pet Orphanage Cat Care Center

All of the animals waiting for adoption at the East Lake Pet Orphanage get to me, but occasionally one in particular breaks my heart. This is Bella. Her owner died and she was separated from her “bonded pair.” That means that Bella lost her owner & her best friend in one sweep. She really needs a new loving home and she’s a sweetheart. Contact The East Lake Pet Orphanage Cat Care Center if you can help!

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MOVIE REVIEW: “Nowitzki: The Perfect Shot”

You’ll notice immediately that this documentary about Dirk Nowitzki is unlike any other sports story you’ve seen before. The music is what gives it away. It’s light and almost comical (I think I even heard a mouth-harp at one point). It’s quite a change from the dramatic music and camera shots we see on sports shows here in the U.S. That’s because Nowitzki: The Perfect Shot was made by German Filmmakers Sebastian Denhardt and Leopold Hoesch. It’s appropriate because Dirk Nowitzki is quite unlike most sports stars anyhow. He is already a basketball legend, but he stays out of the spotlight and directs attention away from himself. So much so in fact, that this movie ABOUT Dirk actually features his peers. The whole first half of Nowitzki: The Perfect Shot focuses on other people, like Dirk’s family and his mentor, Holger Geschwindner. It’s amazing to think that an accomplished athlete like Dirk Nowitzki still listens to the man he trained with as a teenager, but it’s a relationship forged in years of trust. Continue reading →

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FREE MOVIE PASSES: “The Man From U.N.C.L.E.” & A Cocktail Party!

Have you seen the trailer for Guy Ritchie’s latest movie The Man From U.N.C.L.E.? Holy Balls, just look at THIS:

Yes, that’s Henry Cavill and Armie Hammer playing a CIA Agent and KGB Operative who’re forced to work together. Two of the HOTTEST dudes in movies today AND they’re joined by the phenomenal Alicia Vikander, who absolutely KILLED IT in Ex Machina. It’s not opening in theaters until August 14th but GUESS WHO HAS FREE PASSES TO SEE IT NEXT WEEK! Continue reading →

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MOMMY-MOVIE-REVIEW: “MINIONS” (Where Are The Girl Minions?)

Am I the only one who thought Gru created the Minions?

Well, we were wrong because according to Minions the movie, they evolved like everything else. They even walked out of the sea speaking their own weird language, which appears to be a mix of French, Spanish, English and Drunk. It’s unclear if the Minions procreated over time (I couldn’t find a single female in the bunch) but they spent the rest of their existence on Earth searching for a Bad Guy to serve. Minions the movie, you see, takes place pre-Gru, so they have yet to find their ultimate Master. A few scouts are sent in search of one, which is why Kevin, Stuart and Bob end up in 1960’s London, courting Scarlet Overkill as their new Villain. Continue reading →

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BLOG: Would You Kill This Snake? (Why You Should Be On The “What Kind of Snake Is This” Facebook Page)

My husband picks on me when he catches me giggling at my iPhone. He’ll see me with a goofy grin on my face and say, “OK, what is it?” I’m usually watching a stupid cat video but lately, I’ve been smiling over snake pictures. I know that last part sounds weird and it IS new for me, but it’s all thanks to the What Kind of Snake is This: North Texas Facebook page.

Look, I’m not a snake fan and I’ve never owned one as a pet. I’m not scared of them though and use to play with the little Garter Snakes I found in our backyard when I was a kid. I was introduced to this page when my daughters and I stumbled across a Copperhead while hiking in Fort Worth. Here’s the video I posted, in case you missed it the first time. Yes, I know I was holding my phone the wrong way. Cut me some slack.

Continue reading →