The 2016 Oscars will air this Sunday at 7:30 Central and the world is can barely contain it’s excitement!
Okay, that’s not really true. Most people are apathetic about this year’s nominees and the #OscarSoWhite controversy threw even more cold water on everything. I thought I’d spice things up with a good old-fashioned Oscars Drinking Game, so we’d have something to do when we weren’t making fun of everyone’s gowns and make-up choices. Before we get good and drunk though, I think we should address the old, white elephant in the room with our very first rule.
RULE #1: Take a shot of plain water anytime emcee Chris Rock makes a joke about the lack of diversity amongst Oscar voters and nominees. I suspect he’ll be at it all night, so this would be a good opportunity to hydrate.
RULE #2: Take a shot of tequila anytime Kevin Hart makes a joke about the lack of diversity amongst Oscar voters and nominees. He’s presenting and will only be onstage for a few minutes, but he might still be capable of squeezing in 10 or more jokes about out-of-touch old white dudes. Go easy on those shots and refer to RULE #1 afterwards.
RULE #3: Take a shot of vodka with a cube of beef bouillon when Lady Gaga hits the stage. Take an additional shot of meat-vodka anytime someone near you bitches about her David Bowie tribute. Eat the boullion cube whole if Lady Gaga shows up actually dressed as David Bowie.
RULE #4: Take a long, lingering sip of expensive bourbon whenever Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt are shown together. Add a dash of bat-wing and eye-of-newt if Pitt still inexplicably looks younger than Gosling.
RULE #5: Take a swig of Dos Equis when Benicio del Toro hits the stage to present. Finish the bottle if he somehow creeps you out and turns you on at the same time.
RULE #6: Take a generous gulp of a lovely Chardonnay when Brie Larson wins for Best Actress. Dissolve into a fit of sobs when they cut to the adorable Jacob Tremblay in the audience and you remember the scene where she rolled him up into a carpet. Slowly start to hate Brie Larson for looking so impossibly gorgeous in her gown. Realize you might be getting a little too drunk and refer to
RULE #7: Drink a shot of vodka with a packet of McDonald’s ketchup squeezed into it if The Martian wins anything. The odds of this happening are very slim, which is good because that sounds like a horrible concoction.
RULE #8: If, by some strange twist of Fate, Matt Damon wins Best Actor for his role as Mark Watney, you should crush up a Vicodin and eat it with some tater-tots. You should probably set aside some Vicodin for Leonardo DiCaprio as well, because he will need it to keep from Kanye-rushing the stage.
RULE #9: Take a shot of Communion wine from a tiny silver cup whenever someone refers to Spotlight. Polish off the whole bottle if Mark Ruffalo wins Best Supporting Actor for his role in the film. This probably won’t happen so you don’t have to steal a bottle from church, unless you really want to.
RULE #10: Chug a Bloody Mary if Mad Max: Fury Road wins anything at all. Drink another one with a Vienna Sausage garnish if anyone refers to Tom Hardy’s recent nude photos. You haven’t seen them? Make another Bloody Mary and take a minute to search for those. I’d post a link but my kids sometimes read my blogs.
RULE #11: Excuse yourself to the kitchen to make a blender-full of strawberry margaritas during the technical awards. Drink most of it by yourself while you continue searching for Nude Tom Hardy links.
RULE #12: Drink a shot of espresso after falling asleep at the kitchen table and leaving Tom Hardy porn open on your laptop. Follow it up with a latte while explaining your actions to your kids. Then refer to RULE #1. And repeat.